Emmalynn

I don't have a passport, but if I did, it would say Emmalynn Murphy. That's what my driver's license says. That's my name.

My parents sleep in the same bed, but they haven't faced each other since I was born. My mom wanted to name me Emma. She used to read Jane Austen and liked to call herself a romantic even though she hadn't read a poem in 25 years. My dad wanted to name me Lynn. It was his grandma's name. He didn't love her either. Before I was born, they argued constantly about what my name was going to be. They went back and forth, making each other feel guilty. I wasn't there, but I'm sure the apartment was never silent. I do like loud music. My parents don't argue anymore; they've found an amicable coexistence. In other words, they live separate lives, but in the same place. 

The day before I was born, my mom had slapped my dad. That was the first time either of them had hit each other, and she felt so bad that she decided to name me Emmalynn. The perfect compromise. 

At home, I'm either Emma or I'm Lynn. I've gotten used to responding to both. I played video games with my dad. We liked to run around and play sports. When I was twelve, he taught me to skateboard. When my mom learned that I wasn't wearing a helmet, she shut it down immediately. She preferred watching movies and baking. She played me all the music she used to listen to. She liked Amy Winehouse. She took me to ballet lessons each week, but I was usually sore from soccer practice.

My relatives all call my Emmalynn. They think it's the most adorable name, a perfect compromise between two loving parents. They were a lot touchier when company was around. I learned to respond to Emmalynn too. I liked the way my relatives doted on me. I could always count on getting new cleats each year from aunts and uncles on my dad's side. And each year, I would get new art supplies from relatives on my mom's side (though once, my mom's brother gave me a helmet--my first one). I hadn't made any art since I was a preteen. I used to paint childish landscapes that would inevitably get posted on Facebook. I hated to express myself.

My teachers always did that classic teacher thing: "Do you go by another name?" I always told them to call me whatever they wanted. What's in a name, anyway? I never felt like names had any bearing on identity. It couldn't tell you anything about who a person was. They were a useful label, sure, but arbitrary. I was quiet in school. I always had good grades, but never enough to get me into honors classes. I think my teachers liked me. I can't be sure--I never talked to them.

My friends all called me different things. The girls in my ballet classes called me Emmalynn. To school friends, sometimes I was Emma, sometimes Lynn. At soccer practice, I was Elle. It was efficient. A childhood friend used to call me E.L. She studied English in college. A guy I dated used to call me Elynn. He thought he was pretty clever. None of it ever bothered me, I could be whatever they said I was.

I went to a middling public school in my state. Far enough away from home to only warrant coming home for the holidays. I hated going home. In college, I could be someone else. I could've told everyone that by Rebecca or Tahini, and no one would have been the wiser. Instead, I let my professors decide what they wanted to call me. Most of the time, that meant I was back to Emmalynn in class, and Em outside. I was a business major. I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to do with my life, and I figured that as a business major, I really didn't have to decide.

During college, I worked part time at a Target. My boss called me Evelyn, even though my name tag was proudly on display. I didn't care. As long as my checks cashed into my bank account, she could call me anything. Around the same time, I started a YouTube channel. I'm not sure why, but it seemed so appealing. I wanted to be known, but not for anything in particular. If I had a talent, it would be being indecisive. I made videos about anything and everything. For a few weeks before I uploaded my first videos, I wavered between different names for my channel. Eventually, I settled on "The Adventures of Emmalynn." That was my name after all. Maybe it was time for me to embrace it.

I'm not really sure where this story was going. When I came up with it I had a conclusion but now I've forgotten. There was something to do with her dropping out and a boyfriend? anyways, I will end it here.