A promise to myself
Hi! Long time no see, no one. How've you been? Lonely? Cramped? Me too.
I've never been religious. (That's a lie, I believed in Jesus until second grade.) But I can definitely say I've never been much of a spiritual person or really understood spirituality and faith, which I firmly believe is separate from some sort of religious belief. But I'd like to be. Maybe it's me trying to be quirky and seem intelligent and open-minded, maybe it's me searching for some kind of purpose in life that my current beliefs don't hold, maybe it's me being pretentious. But honestly, no matter how many books I read, how many people I talk to, how many classes I take, all I've learned is that no one else can give me the answers that I'm searching for, it's all just a personal decision. And for someone like me who hates making decisions for myself, instead allowing others' beliefs to dictate my life (I've never been a maverick in any sense of the word) has been comforting and simple. But it's not the same as finding a meaning and purpose for myself, and I'd like to.
I don't have a concrete moral code. I do what I think is right, and I try not to do what I think is wrong. But obviously, I cross my own line sometimes. But that's true for everyone. Others with faith follow the standards that they believe to be true, set out by others. And as much as I'd like to say that I don't allow others or some kind or organization to dictate my values, my values and morals are completely influenced by others, in what I've seen and heard and read. I often wonder what I'd be like if I were the only person on this earth. Certainly not the same as I am now, and I think that being influenced by your environment is natural and inevitable. Still, I wonder how many of my thoughts are truly my own.
All that is to explain that I've never believed in a God in any meaningful way. I've never had a personal relationship with Jesus, a commitment to a faith, a dedication to a bigger purpose, or really even something to motivate me intrinsically or extrinsically. That's just never where I've found purpose or interest, just because that's not what I was brought up to be and I'm pretty deep in my beliefs by now for that to change. I've always believed myself to be a person of science, knowing what's real and what's not, never believing in some supernatural guiding force. But the other week, there were some preachers (is that what you would call them?) on campus, speaking to interested students. Whenever they're here, I often find myself drawn to them, asking questions about theodicy and salvation, but each time I realize that they're never going to be able to provide a satisfactory answer, simply because there just isn't one. Maybe God's the only one who can provide those answers, but it's something you have to seek and decide on for yourself. One of them, a nice old man in a green sweater who let some spittle escape with each consonant, asked me if I would join him. I said that no I wouldn't; I'm an atheist. He then told me that I was my own god. My initial reaction was to quickly reject him. No, I'm not my own god, I don't believe in any god. But if I don't believe in God shaping my life and making decisions, then that must be me making these decisions for myself. And I had never thought about it that way. Was I really my own god? Certainly I believe that I'm the one that can control my own life (well, that's also debatable, I still haven't decided if we truly have free will or not). But at a base level, it certainly is me calling the shots day to day. So maybe I am my own god. At least, that's the working theory for the next few weeks.
Today (well yesterday now, I suppose, and boy what a disconnected form of writing this is, I know I read a piece a few years ago that went on and on and on aha I remember it was something like 80% parenthetical on a podcast about the roman mars problem) was Ash Wednesday. I can't pretend to understand the practices of Christianity, I've never read the New Testament, participated in these things, or really understood them beyond the base stories. Ash Wednesday is the start of Lent, where people give up something important to them for 40 days because to show Jesus's dedication to God, he fasted for 40 days and 40 nights. I believe it's practiced by Catholics, and I can't pretend to understand the story but at some point I'd like to learn more about it maybe that's the kind of dedication to a faith I need. Anyway, it's difficult to do things for yourself, especially with no concrete moral code to guide you. It was easy for me to give up meat-it's for something bigger than me that I care about. But why don't I care about my own well-being? If all these people are able to give up things so important to them to show dedication to a God that may never hear their prayers, or never respond to them, just because it's a cause bigger than the small people we are, certainly I should be able to give up something difficult to live without for my own god-myself. I listen to myself, I respond to myself, I have a personal relationship with myself. But obviously that line of reasoning is nowhere near the same amount of convincing.
I'd like to be a more spiritual person. Maybe I'm not dedicating myself to a higher force but the commitment is incredibly admirable. Maybe they won't come out of the 40 days with a deeper connection to God, but they tried and they care and they think about it and isn't that the most important part? So. The point is. I would like to also participate (is that the word?) in Lent to develop a better relationship with my God. Obviously it's just some kind of a commitment to myself and not some bigger being for some incredible end goal, but maybe going through it with other people (although secretly) will give me some kind of external purpose or motivation and just more accountability. I forgot what else I was going to say. But the point is (I already used that phrase), maybe going through this with more of a goal and a concrete deadline will help me understand more about spirituality and concrete commitment, as well as have a solid contract with myself. I know I'll fail a few times-that's inevitable. But isn't trying my best the most important part? God won't punish his children for trying their best to conceptualize their love, so why should my God do the same? At least she understands me and my reasoning on the most intimate level.
I haven't fully decided what I want to give up. I know-how foolish and immature-to dive in so quickly and obsessively into an idea like this without an actual goal. But I have some thoughts, and perhaps throughout the next 40 days they'll change and that's ok. Firstly, I want to give up color on my phone. This means that my phone will always be in black and white unless I need color, and even then, only for 5 minutes which will also serve as somewhat of a timer to help keep me off my phone. I can set all of these systems to keep my from continuously clicking, watching, scrolling, and tapping, but unless I really care, then it won't happen. Each time I eliminate a vice, a new one takes its place. And recently it's been my phone. I used to be so proud about the amount of time I spend on it, but recently it's climbing up to 6 or 7 hours daily which is just shameful. I complain about not having enough time, but when I schedule my day to know exactly what I need to do and when, I never end up following through, instead pushing off the important tasks in favor of wasting hours and hours on YouTube or my phone, then scrambling to accomplish my urgent tasks late in the night, sacrificing my sleep and mental health. Obviously there's a reason for this-maybe I'm really just not enjoying what I'm doing, but maybe the process goes backwards as well-if I force myself to actually do it, maybe excitement will follow. I don't want to keep wasting time and then feeling bad about it.
Secondly, something related to food. Good God I hate food. I love food. I hate it. It makes me feel constantly guilty and consumes my mind but brings me so much relief and enjoyment-can't live with it, can't live without it. Each time I think I've made progress, I realize that I never really have and I fuck up again. Just today, I was ready to last the day on my delicious lunch and not eat any more after that. But I just happened to have two giant bags of chips, 440 calories each. Not that much, right? I had the first bag and felt full and guilty and they weren't even good. I wasn't going to eat the second bag. That's just silly. Why would I? I knew it would make me feel guilty afterwards. But guess who ate the second bag, then spent half an hour in the bathroom trying and failing to purge it out of her stomach? And guess who knew that it would make her feel incredibly guilty to have more high calorie snacks late in the night, at the Vector meeting and on Speedway, but had them anyway? That's right. (That was incredibly cheesy and disgusting, please excuse her.) So, I want to give up snacks when I'm alone. That means no granola bars, that means no desserts. I guess, let me be more concise about this. NO PEANUT BUTTER. For 40 days. Whenever I'm at a cafeteria, even when I'm full, I always find myself getting an already high calorie dessert and smothering it with even higher calorie peanut butter. Not healthy and I can't keep telling myself that it's a source of protein-it's really not for me. And beyond that, no snacks when I'm alone. That means NO VENDING MACHINE, no late runs to JCM or Cypress Bend to get random snacks. Other people fast religiously and are totally fine, I can't keep pretending that I need to eat this or that to be healthy. Basically, unless I'm eating with someone else or circumstances like that, I don't need to get food. In essence-no extraneous eating. I think this will not only help me get more in touch with what I really need to be doing, feel better about myself, and generally just develop better habits. 40 days is a lot, I know. but I know that I can do it. Simple dimple.
This is more than I've written in quite a while, and it's because it's something I care about. Now to find to the same excitement for the other things I need to write... I think I started this out pretty logically but it just devolved and became silly. Nonetheless, it's late, and these are my thoughts. So Lent, starting now.
I've never been religious. (That's a lie, I believed in Jesus until second grade.) But I can definitely say I've never been much of a spiritual person or really understood spirituality and faith, which I firmly believe is separate from some sort of religious belief. But I'd like to be. Maybe it's me trying to be quirky and seem intelligent and open-minded, maybe it's me searching for some kind of purpose in life that my current beliefs don't hold, maybe it's me being pretentious. But honestly, no matter how many books I read, how many people I talk to, how many classes I take, all I've learned is that no one else can give me the answers that I'm searching for, it's all just a personal decision. And for someone like me who hates making decisions for myself, instead allowing others' beliefs to dictate my life (I've never been a maverick in any sense of the word) has been comforting and simple. But it's not the same as finding a meaning and purpose for myself, and I'd like to.
I don't have a concrete moral code. I do what I think is right, and I try not to do what I think is wrong. But obviously, I cross my own line sometimes. But that's true for everyone. Others with faith follow the standards that they believe to be true, set out by others. And as much as I'd like to say that I don't allow others or some kind or organization to dictate my values, my values and morals are completely influenced by others, in what I've seen and heard and read. I often wonder what I'd be like if I were the only person on this earth. Certainly not the same as I am now, and I think that being influenced by your environment is natural and inevitable. Still, I wonder how many of my thoughts are truly my own.
All that is to explain that I've never believed in a God in any meaningful way. I've never had a personal relationship with Jesus, a commitment to a faith, a dedication to a bigger purpose, or really even something to motivate me intrinsically or extrinsically. That's just never where I've found purpose or interest, just because that's not what I was brought up to be and I'm pretty deep in my beliefs by now for that to change. I've always believed myself to be a person of science, knowing what's real and what's not, never believing in some supernatural guiding force. But the other week, there were some preachers (is that what you would call them?) on campus, speaking to interested students. Whenever they're here, I often find myself drawn to them, asking questions about theodicy and salvation, but each time I realize that they're never going to be able to provide a satisfactory answer, simply because there just isn't one. Maybe God's the only one who can provide those answers, but it's something you have to seek and decide on for yourself. One of them, a nice old man in a green sweater who let some spittle escape with each consonant, asked me if I would join him. I said that no I wouldn't; I'm an atheist. He then told me that I was my own god. My initial reaction was to quickly reject him. No, I'm not my own god, I don't believe in any god. But if I don't believe in God shaping my life and making decisions, then that must be me making these decisions for myself. And I had never thought about it that way. Was I really my own god? Certainly I believe that I'm the one that can control my own life (well, that's also debatable, I still haven't decided if we truly have free will or not). But at a base level, it certainly is me calling the shots day to day. So maybe I am my own god. At least, that's the working theory for the next few weeks.
Today (well yesterday now, I suppose, and boy what a disconnected form of writing this is, I know I read a piece a few years ago that went on and on and on aha I remember it was something like 80% parenthetical on a podcast about the roman mars problem) was Ash Wednesday. I can't pretend to understand the practices of Christianity, I've never read the New Testament, participated in these things, or really understood them beyond the base stories. Ash Wednesday is the start of Lent, where people give up something important to them for 40 days because to show Jesus's dedication to God, he fasted for 40 days and 40 nights. I believe it's practiced by Catholics, and I can't pretend to understand the story but at some point I'd like to learn more about it maybe that's the kind of dedication to a faith I need. Anyway, it's difficult to do things for yourself, especially with no concrete moral code to guide you. It was easy for me to give up meat-it's for something bigger than me that I care about. But why don't I care about my own well-being? If all these people are able to give up things so important to them to show dedication to a God that may never hear their prayers, or never respond to them, just because it's a cause bigger than the small people we are, certainly I should be able to give up something difficult to live without for my own god-myself. I listen to myself, I respond to myself, I have a personal relationship with myself. But obviously that line of reasoning is nowhere near the same amount of convincing.
I'd like to be a more spiritual person. Maybe I'm not dedicating myself to a higher force but the commitment is incredibly admirable. Maybe they won't come out of the 40 days with a deeper connection to God, but they tried and they care and they think about it and isn't that the most important part? So. The point is. I would like to also participate (is that the word?) in Lent to develop a better relationship with my God. Obviously it's just some kind of a commitment to myself and not some bigger being for some incredible end goal, but maybe going through it with other people (although secretly) will give me some kind of external purpose or motivation and just more accountability. I forgot what else I was going to say. But the point is (I already used that phrase), maybe going through this with more of a goal and a concrete deadline will help me understand more about spirituality and concrete commitment, as well as have a solid contract with myself. I know I'll fail a few times-that's inevitable. But isn't trying my best the most important part? God won't punish his children for trying their best to conceptualize their love, so why should my God do the same? At least she understands me and my reasoning on the most intimate level.
I haven't fully decided what I want to give up. I know-how foolish and immature-to dive in so quickly and obsessively into an idea like this without an actual goal. But I have some thoughts, and perhaps throughout the next 40 days they'll change and that's ok. Firstly, I want to give up color on my phone. This means that my phone will always be in black and white unless I need color, and even then, only for 5 minutes which will also serve as somewhat of a timer to help keep me off my phone. I can set all of these systems to keep my from continuously clicking, watching, scrolling, and tapping, but unless I really care, then it won't happen. Each time I eliminate a vice, a new one takes its place. And recently it's been my phone. I used to be so proud about the amount of time I spend on it, but recently it's climbing up to 6 or 7 hours daily which is just shameful. I complain about not having enough time, but when I schedule my day to know exactly what I need to do and when, I never end up following through, instead pushing off the important tasks in favor of wasting hours and hours on YouTube or my phone, then scrambling to accomplish my urgent tasks late in the night, sacrificing my sleep and mental health. Obviously there's a reason for this-maybe I'm really just not enjoying what I'm doing, but maybe the process goes backwards as well-if I force myself to actually do it, maybe excitement will follow. I don't want to keep wasting time and then feeling bad about it.
Secondly, something related to food. Good God I hate food. I love food. I hate it. It makes me feel constantly guilty and consumes my mind but brings me so much relief and enjoyment-can't live with it, can't live without it. Each time I think I've made progress, I realize that I never really have and I fuck up again. Just today, I was ready to last the day on my delicious lunch and not eat any more after that. But I just happened to have two giant bags of chips, 440 calories each. Not that much, right? I had the first bag and felt full and guilty and they weren't even good. I wasn't going to eat the second bag. That's just silly. Why would I? I knew it would make me feel guilty afterwards. But guess who ate the second bag, then spent half an hour in the bathroom trying and failing to purge it out of her stomach? And guess who knew that it would make her feel incredibly guilty to have more high calorie snacks late in the night, at the Vector meeting and on Speedway, but had them anyway? That's right. (That was incredibly cheesy and disgusting, please excuse her.) So, I want to give up snacks when I'm alone. That means no granola bars, that means no desserts. I guess, let me be more concise about this. NO PEANUT BUTTER. For 40 days. Whenever I'm at a cafeteria, even when I'm full, I always find myself getting an already high calorie dessert and smothering it with even higher calorie peanut butter. Not healthy and I can't keep telling myself that it's a source of protein-it's really not for me. And beyond that, no snacks when I'm alone. That means NO VENDING MACHINE, no late runs to JCM or Cypress Bend to get random snacks. Other people fast religiously and are totally fine, I can't keep pretending that I need to eat this or that to be healthy. Basically, unless I'm eating with someone else or circumstances like that, I don't need to get food. In essence-no extraneous eating. I think this will not only help me get more in touch with what I really need to be doing, feel better about myself, and generally just develop better habits. 40 days is a lot, I know. but I know that I can do it. Simple dimple.
This is more than I've written in quite a while, and it's because it's something I care about. Now to find to the same excitement for the other things I need to write... I think I started this out pretty logically but it just devolved and became silly. Nonetheless, it's late, and these are my thoughts. So Lent, starting now.
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