4.0
I am addicted to the idea of a 4.0 GPA. I have been for a while now. In my first two years of high school, on an unweighted scale I didn't have a 4.0, but it was difficult and I resigned myself to my not perfect GPA-I would've had to get a 98 in every single class. But back then my GPA absolutely depended on what classes I was taking. The fact that I took regular Latin in my freshman year rather than pre-AP Spanish like I planned (not my fault and I'll stick with that to the grave) really brought down my GPA and I constantly lamented it. I would constantly say that it wasn't my fault-I would've had a much better GPA if I hadn't taken Latin. In 9th grade, I was ranked #16 out of 500-something. In 10th grade, I was #16. I prided myself on taking more AP classes than most of my friends. That brought me value.
When I went to my new school, it was much easier to get a 4.0. All I needed was to get an A in each class. There were no rankings-no one knew who was subjectively smarter than the other, based off the 4.0 scale. But with it being so much easier to get a perfect GPA, it felt like so much more of a defeat to not get one. I didn't have to work that much harder, but the expectation I held for myself was not to learn and understand but do just the exact amount of work that would let me scrape by with an A in each class. Throughout those four semesters, there were definitely quite a few close calls. There was panicked screaming and sobbing and desperation. But somehow, by the skin of my teeth, each semester when grades came out, I would scream and celebrate, just by seeing those two little numbers on my phone screen. That near-miss made it all the more precious to me and made me even more determined to keep it each time.
Now that I'm in college, I've heard countless reminders of how much getting a 4.0 doesn't matter. Employers won't care, grad schools won't care, etc. But it's difficult to shake the feeling that it really does matter. All I need to maintain is a 3.5 to keep my scholarship. But in my head, my expectation is set at a 4.0, no less. I know college classes will be more difficult. But a 4.0 is what makes me feel better about my abilities when the world can beat down so hard on the other aspects of your personality. If I can't be unique or creative or pretty, at least I'm marginally academically successful. I'm so attached to the idea of getting a 4.0, a B on any assignment feels like a failure. I know that it's a thing that happens, but plenty of people get A's, so why can't I?
Painted on a wall in my high school there was a mural covered in brightly covered paint splashes as well as numbers in binary. It proclaimed in its messy, hand-painted script that "We Are More Than Just Numbers". Obviously I know that to be true, but I can't help but question it. When an employer is looking at your resume, do they not notice how many jobs you've had? When you graduated? Your GPA? Even more so when applying to college. To even be considered, your test scores need to be in a certain range. To the government, you're a social security number with a monetary income and an address and a list of characteristics that aren't under your control.
I hate to say it, but honestly speaking, getting a 4.0 brings me value. It's wrong and I know it's an idea that I perpetuate in my own head, but it's what I have to define myself when it's just so difficult to feel unique.
When I went to my new school, it was much easier to get a 4.0. All I needed was to get an A in each class. There were no rankings-no one knew who was subjectively smarter than the other, based off the 4.0 scale. But with it being so much easier to get a perfect GPA, it felt like so much more of a defeat to not get one. I didn't have to work that much harder, but the expectation I held for myself was not to learn and understand but do just the exact amount of work that would let me scrape by with an A in each class. Throughout those four semesters, there were definitely quite a few close calls. There was panicked screaming and sobbing and desperation. But somehow, by the skin of my teeth, each semester when grades came out, I would scream and celebrate, just by seeing those two little numbers on my phone screen. That near-miss made it all the more precious to me and made me even more determined to keep it each time.
Now that I'm in college, I've heard countless reminders of how much getting a 4.0 doesn't matter. Employers won't care, grad schools won't care, etc. But it's difficult to shake the feeling that it really does matter. All I need to maintain is a 3.5 to keep my scholarship. But in my head, my expectation is set at a 4.0, no less. I know college classes will be more difficult. But a 4.0 is what makes me feel better about my abilities when the world can beat down so hard on the other aspects of your personality. If I can't be unique or creative or pretty, at least I'm marginally academically successful. I'm so attached to the idea of getting a 4.0, a B on any assignment feels like a failure. I know that it's a thing that happens, but plenty of people get A's, so why can't I?
Painted on a wall in my high school there was a mural covered in brightly covered paint splashes as well as numbers in binary. It proclaimed in its messy, hand-painted script that "We Are More Than Just Numbers". Obviously I know that to be true, but I can't help but question it. When an employer is looking at your resume, do they not notice how many jobs you've had? When you graduated? Your GPA? Even more so when applying to college. To even be considered, your test scores need to be in a certain range. To the government, you're a social security number with a monetary income and an address and a list of characteristics that aren't under your control.
I hate to say it, but honestly speaking, getting a 4.0 brings me value. It's wrong and I know it's an idea that I perpetuate in my own head, but it's what I have to define myself when it's just so difficult to feel unique.
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